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"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."   ~anonymous

"Life is too short, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go of what you can't change." ~ anonymous

"The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - never knowing. " ~ Jim Rohn

"Immaturity is the incapacity to use one's intelligence without the guidance of another." ~ Immanuel Kant

all four of these quotes encompass the unfortunate scene i found myself in, dumbfounded, this evening. as much as i would like to be explicit with you right now i must be discrete and careful with my words.

tonight i was tagged with an accusation that is in every way false. false because it is simply not true.

have you ever tried very hard to get to know someone, stick your neck out, place your name on the line, offer out your home, lend your hand, your ear, in a time of need only to be told those things had not served the purpose intended? what do you do when you feel all your efforts have been in vein or fallen on deaf ears? what more can you do to make someone feel welcomed, important, accepted, loved? when you do all you know to do, go out of your way, make time when there is no time just to reach out only to find your hand slapped back? how then do you recover?

lots of questions. i know. that is all i have right now...there are no answers.

i have a lot of friends. i don't say that smugly or in any way to exalt me above someone who doesn't feel as if they are surrounded by a host of comrades. i say it because i am blessed, truly and honestly with many wonderful, encouraging, supportive and genuinely loving friends. some are old and some are new. and to be completely honest with you i can't even fill up a hand with a list of names of people who have accused me falsely of being insincere or unwelcoming in my 29 years on this earth. this is perhaps why tonight's events have so struck a chord in me.

so i am at a cross-roads of sorts. i don't know what else to do to show this person that i am earnestly trying to be welcoming and, well, friendly. truthfully, giving up would be the easy way out. and i would be lying if i didn't say i might just do it. but i didn't linger there long because i know better. i've learned from my life that giving up doesn't serve a positive purpose. and if anyone has been dealt challenging and horrible things, things that would justify giving up, i am that girl. and as difficult a pill to swallow as this is for me i am choosing to press forward and not throw in the towel.

A verse that has carried me through some of the most challenging and character building days of my life comes to my mind tonight: James 1:2-3. Count it all Joy my brothers whenever you face trials and tribulations for you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything. i lack so much. but i try so hard and choose to press on because it is right and important. and i can be the bigger person.


perhaps i am writing this as a last resort. in hopes that this individual might read this, in hopes that it might finally sink in that i'm not the enemy, i'm not being a bitch (pardon), that i might just really, genuinely care. maybe words are all i have left. and so i leave my words and a petition for peace, a fresh start, a new beginning.   

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